Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Monster in my Closet

So I'm getting the monster out of my closet... what is he going on about now I hear you ask? For the last two years I have been suffering from Depression. It's not something I have really talked about to many people.

The events leading up to the beginning of my depression is not really important but as I've never met anyone who has openly talked about there depression I thought that I would use my blog to do that...

I didn't notice the depression to start off with, I was just feeling a little down. I stopped enjoying doing all the things I use to do, I stopped going out and taking photographs, I stopped blogging as much as I first did.

Then I noticed I didn't really want to meet up with my friends or even going out on my days off, I stopped calling friends and my relationship started to suffer.

The trigger events were not getting any easier and I reached the stage that I would start to cry about anything and everything. I knew at this point that I was ill and I needed to get help. But I'm a grown man and could I really sit there in front of my doctor and say I'm a bit sad and I'm crying all the time?

I think I was lucky with my doctor or it could have been that from the moment I sat down in the doctors consultation room I started crying and didn't stop for some thirty minuets. I answered some questions, and I'll tell you now that I lied to some of them. I wasn't going to say yes I've had dark thoughts and thought that the world would be a better place without me there.

By the end of the time in the consultation room I walked out with a prescription to anti-depresents and an appointment to come back the following week. I was told that the tablets could make me feel worst but I don't think I was ready for how I was to feel for the next month or so. I think because I was told I would be in a very dark place it kind of helped me through it a little.

I became so scared that if I told my doctor I was getting these thoughts I could be locked up or even worst taken off the medication.

I had some amazing support from one or two of my very close friends, a lot of them don't even know what has been going on. This isn't because I don't trust them but because I've never been around people who talk about depression I didn't really know how people would react.

I had days where I felt like I was in a bubble, I stopped opening my post (this had a huge effect on my fin aces and in the end my relationship) I couldn't answer my phone unless I knew who it was calling. I couldn't listen to my answer machine. I know some of you are thinking why? thats strange! but I'm just telling you how it was/is.

Soon the tablets started to work, I say work, they stopped me crying and hiding under the sheets. They didn't stop me not wanting to be social or open my post but they let me get out of bed and do my job. Looking back now I can see that I go through periods of being very manic and have lots of energy, and at other times I'm very low and didn't want to leave the house.

So I'm two years on and I'm no longer on the tablets, I had a new doctor and she wasn't as supportive about my depression. She said she was going to take me off my meds. Being me I thought, I'm not having anyone tell me I'm coming off of something so I just stopped taking them. **If I have to give one bit of advice it's do not come off of anti-depressants without the support of your doctor** I was lucky that I had support from friends but it was really hard and the dark thoughts where on my back day and night.

I've done some big things in the last month or so, I've sold my flat, I quite my job, and I'm moving to Scotland all things that to some may seem a bit crazy, but trust me I know what crazy looks like from the inside. I'm doing this to help me get better, I feel like I can cope if I'm in control of my life. I need fresh air and goals, I can't have pressure or stress in my life and my new life will free me of that.

I'm so thankful for my friends, old and new and one thing I have learned is that I have to be honest to both myself and those around me.

You shouldn't feel embarrassed about depression some of the most amazing people in our world have had it or live each day with it. If you feel that you may be depressed then seek help before it overwhelms you and your life, it's easier to deal with it when you have the help of others.  Your not crazy or mad your just not having the best of times and you can get through this. Don't be afraid of taking medication, it helps you see what is going on without the weight on your back.

The NHS has a web based question section on there website and that can be found HERE.

I hope by my honesty it will enable you to talk to someone if you need too. I still have depression and I'm not sure if it will ever go away, but for the first time in two years I'm on top of it and I can see my life improving every day.

Keep well,

Bear x

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